Wednesday, January 2, 2013

It Only Takes the Proper Diagnosis

Dr. Freundly:  “How long have you been having anxiety and depression?”

Ernest:  “Maybe, six months.”

Dr. F:  “Can you tell me what changes occurred in your life about this time?

E:  “I don’t think anything unusual happened.  Oh, wait…I started writing a blog then.  But what does that have to do with anything?”

Dr. F:  “Well, did you know that writers suffer significantly higher rates of mental illness than non-writers?”

E:  "But, wait a second, my writing has been a release for me.  It allows me to, sort of, unload my frustrations.  You can write things that you normally can’t say to people directly.”

Dr. F:  “Like what?” 

E:  Long pause.

Dr. F:  “Take your time, this could be important.”

E:  “I wrote a post about my girlfriend.” 

Dr. F:  “Ok, that’s a start.  What did you write about her?”

E:  “I wrote that I was, sort of, upset that she had hung out with my brother.”

Dr. F:  “Ok, now we’re getting somewhere. So you were upset about that?”

E:  “Yeah, sure.”

Dr. F:  “Tell me, why did that upset you?”

E:  “Well…I found out they went to bed together.”

Dr. F:  “Oh, I see.  So, did this happen before you were going out?”

E:   “No, they were doing it the whole time I’ve been dating her. And she’s been flaunting it all over town.”

Dr. F:  “I still am not seeing the cause for anxiety and depression.  Perhaps you could tell me exactly what you wrote in your blog.”

E:  “Well…I wrote that if I caught them again, I would set them on fire and hack their bodies into little pieces.”

Dr. F:  “See, this what I meant about writers having higher rates of mental illness. Don’t you see?  Your writing has caused all these problems. It’s just so unhealthy. You need to stop writing and just learn to relax a little. I can prescribe something if you like. Believe me, you will survive.  Same time next week?” 

___________

 
I wrote this for the Week 58 Trifecta Writing Challenge where we are required to write a 33-333 word composition using the word “survive” in the context of continuing to function after facing a hardship. 

Thanks to Steph for inspiring me to use the psychiatrist’s couch as a vehicle for this story with her excellent piece, “Salacious”. 
 
Your comments are apprciated.

 

 

 

28 comments:

  1. I think most people would want to hack them up into little pieces so I find Ernest to be quite normal. This was clever and funny and different, which means I really liked it. And of course, the professional wants to book more time!

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    1. Thank you Gina. Yeah, Ernest was not so weird under the circumstances. At least, if he was just acting out in his blog, right? And yes, the doc wants to book more time. These writing disorders take years to mend.

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  2. I agree with Gina there. Perfectly normal response! The doctor was probably talking about blogging about it and not having a face-to-face shouting match in the middle of the street on a Sunday like normal people (twitch)

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    1. I think the doc had a pre-conceived idea what the cause of the problem was. Thanks for commenting Joe. I always enjoy your stuff!

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  3. This is hilarious! I love the opening - Can you tell me what changes occurred.... Brings back such fond memories. :) "I still am not seeing the cause for anxiety and depression." That makes you want to ask for a refund right there. And writing is the cause of all your problems. So funny... Nice work! And thanks for the shout out! Sweet!

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    1. Thank you Steph. I'm not a veteran of counseling, but I've been there and I tried to channel that vibe of the doc not really wanting to listen to what was really happening. No thanks needed, I had an idea for the piece, but I couldn't make it happen until I remembered your wonderful piece!

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  4. I don't see the problem here.

    Uh-oh, I think this means I'm afflicted with mental illness, too :) But really, isn't what you do with the hacked-up little pieces what separates the writerly insane from the clinically insane?

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    1. Exactly. He is obviously writerly insane, otherwise, he'd just shoot them. Thanks Janna.

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  5. LOL!!!!! "See that's what I meant about writers having a higher rate of mental illness! Haha! LOVED it lumdog!!

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    1. Thank you Linda. I think I was channeling you when I came up with the doc's name!

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  6. Ha!ha!Needed a good laugh, thk u lumdog!This is the kind of writing I would like to do but till I learn how,I shall live vicariously ;-)But I hope that Ernest was going to hack them up first & then burn them-hacking charred pieces could get quite messy,u know,lol!

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    1. Thank you so much for those comments. It's funny you mention the sequence of hacking then burning. I originally wrote it that way for the logic you mention, but I re-wrote it becasue of how the words flowed and the rhythm of the sentence. But, under either sequence, the job would get done, right?

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  7. By the way how do I "follow" you?

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    1. Gosh, I'm flattered. Thank you. I think you can just hit the "Join this Site" button on the right side of my web page. Maybe there's an issue between Word Press and Blogger, though.

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    1. Thanks Draug :) I haven't made it over to your place yet. I'm actually doing some work this week. lol!

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  9. Hmm, you zeem to have zome issues wiz writing a blog, lumdog... lol

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    1. Well, yeah, maybe, but I should emphasize that this piece is not autobiographical! Thanks kymm.

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    2. No worries. Nor am I an Austrian analyst!

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  10. So the mental illness part is that he wrote about it instead of doing it? :)

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    1. I guess it's up to the reader, but in my mind, Ernest is a bit off the deep end, even if he only wrote about doing these things. But I think the joke is that Dr. F. decided the cause of the mental illness was the writing, not some other factor. Thanks for reading Jennifer.

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  11. Hacking up people through writing can be thoroughly satisfying. And not at all lethal, which is always for the best.

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    1. Yes, it's best not to actually kill people! ;). Thanks Tri.

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  12. LOL. I would rather welcome the mental illness than stop writing! Hilarious. :-D

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